I have been thinking for the past 8 months of starting this, I had grand ideas of the things I would write, the stuff I would talk about, the advice I would give, the suggestions, the tips, the help ~ all grand ideas for someone with spare time and the gift of writing coherent sentences filled with wit and humour.
But now I realize that I have gone from this:
and I don’t remember this at all:
How does that happen? I know people told me that time flies, the adage “the days are long but the years are short” was told to me a million times but I never believed the people telling me, I thought come on – how could you forget something as big as this, it’s a momentous occasion! Now I realize that all of those people were right ~ was it the sleep deprivation, the lack of having a shower everyday, staying in my yoga pants and sweatshirts everyday that did it? No, I don’t think so, it was being immersed in the Pinto Beans that did it, the mountains of poop, vomit, outfit changes, bottles, baths et al that did it. I didn’t think I would love motherhood, I wasn’t a “mommy” type person, I knew I wanted kids but also knew I would go back to work – I needed the work to define me, it’s funny how things change. I still think I need to work but it no longer defines me, the Pinto Beans define me sometimes in a good way, sometimes in a bad way but never in a way that I regret. I love being their mom, it is an amazing job (and yes I work harder now than I ever have). I have no idea what I’m doing but it doesn’t matter, this is going to help me, I’ll find myself somewhere in this jumble of words, I’ll be able to define myself in a way that hopefully my husband will understand and that I’ll be okay with. The story of the past 8 months and what the future is going to bring is coming soon – I hope someone is out there to listen, if not just writing this has been cathartic.