Monthly Archives: February 2010

Guilty Feelings

I’ve been chatting with an old friend on Facebook lately, we found each other again on the interwebs and found out we both have twins.  I’ll call her J, J has a little girl as well, to say she is busy is an understatement.  Our twins are only 2 weeks apart in age, so we’re going through many of the same things together.

We’ve been talking about the feelings of guilt we have.  J needs to have her “me” back, so do I, but we both feel that we can’t say that out loud.  People will think, say or believe that we are bad mom’s.  Why is that as a society, us women and mother’s are sometimes the biggest bitches to each other.  Why do we not support each other the way that we should?  If J and I need to have our alone time, why are we looked down upon for having this desire to be “ourselves” again, even for a few minutes a day.  Would it not make us better mother’s?  The same goes with successful women in the workplace, the higher up the corporate ladder you go, the bitchier other women think you are.  Should we not applaud someone for their accomplishments, whatever they may be?

I don’t resent having the Beans, I don’t wish I only had one of them and I certainly don’t want to go back to a life without them.  What I do want is a few minutes or hours of being me.  Being a mother has brought me a great sense of accomplishment if you will, it has also brought me exhaustion, frustration, pain, happiness and worry.  I never thought I would have to hide the feelings I have, I’ve never been a shy person, I’ve usually spoken my mind about many things and didn’t give a toss about what people thought of me.  But being judged as a mother is something completely different.  It starts out small, you put a blanket in your baby’s crib when it’s a no-no, bumber pads, bottles to bed, letting them cry, not letting them cry, pacifiers, formula instead of breast milk, the list is endless of the things we are judged on.  This isn’t a competition, mother’s aren’t looking for medals, and we aren’t looking to “Own the Podium”.  We’re just trying to raise our children the best way that we can, the best way that we know how and hope that we don’t make too many mistakes along the way.  I feel that as long as my kids are loved, nurtured and treated with respect, the rest will come. 

I will not apologize to anyone for anything I have done in the past 11 months.  If you don’t agree with something I have done I don’t really care.  You haven’t walked in my shoes.  J has and she understands.  Thanks J, thanks for listening!


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Am I Good Enough?

The last few days have been weird for me.  I’ve been watching the Beans grow ever more independent.  They walk the length of full rooms now without stumbling and falling, they walk toward one another and laugh and give each other hugs.  The Beans want to feed themselves now, try to take their diapers off themselves, and sit and flip through books by themselves (when they aren’t trying to eat the books that is).  The Beans are becoming people, they are leaving the baby stage and entering into the toddler stage.  When they are talking I sit and wonder what they are saying, I wonder am I teaching them enough, am I giving them the right tools to grow into amazing little people, are the building blocks of their personalities I’m helping to shape going to flourish and grow in a way that will help them in the future.

Do I love them enough, do I nurture them enough, have I given them enough one-on-one love and attention?  Did I ignore one in order to give the other something they needed?  How can anyone else be good enough to look after them if I question my own abilities.  I’ve never been a worrier and feeling this sense of worry is bothering me.  I’m second guessing what I’ve done up to now, have I already failed?  Have I messed something up that can’t be repaired? 

If I have messed up my sweet Beans I apologize, Mommy’s new at all of this, I’ll get better at it with time.

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In the never-ending drama of our nanny search I have thankfully been given a little more breathing room ~ not much but I’ll take what I can get.  I got my start date pushed from March 15th until April 5 – so hopefully we can sort something out for the Beans between now and then.

Saturday night we had a party for T’s 40th birthday and I’m pleasantly surprised to say that the Beans slept through the entire thing.  We put them down at 7, they chatted between themselves for a little bit but we didn’t hear a thing from them until 7:30 the next morning.  Oh it’s heaven that they now seem to be sleeping through the night (shit, I shouldn’t have said that, I’m probably jinxing myself now).  We’ve found a comfortable routine through the day that seems to be working and it’s made for a nice relaxed (well as relaxed as it can be) home and well rested parents (unless of course we stay up late having parties or watching Olympics). 

They are back to having 2 naps a day because 1 just wasn’t enough for them and they are happier because of it, which makes me happier.  Eating more and more “regular” food, hardly any purees anymore which I’m so grateful for and walking more and more.

They turn 1 in just over 2 weeks – I’m still in awe that they are here let alone almost 1!

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Drunken Sailors & Birthday Boys

The Beans are both walking now and it’s the cutest thing.  They wobble, teeter, totter and generally look like they are walking around after a good night of clubbing.  They are so proud of themselves, you can just see the glint in their eyes, the glint that says “oh boy, a whole new world of stuff to get into has opened up, what mischief can I cause now?”

It’s also funny to see them get excited about getting somewhere and trying to get there fast, their bodies speed up but their poor little legs can’t keep up and they quickly fall face first into something.  There have been a few more tears in the past week with all the new “injuries” but they are quickly getting the hang of it.

On another note it was T’s 40th Birthday on Wednesday.  I’ve been with T for over 10 years, and he hasn’t changed a bit in those 10 years.   Yes a few more grey hairs, now we’re married and have two kids but who he is hasn’t changed.  He’s still an amazing person, a hard worker (maybe sometimes too hard), caring, loving and now he’s a father.  He’s such an amazing Dad to the kids, they “run” to him as soon as they seem him, give him hugs and kisses and climb all over him.  It’s such an amazing thing to see and to experience.  The love of your life with the loves of your life. 

Happy Birthday T from the Beans and Me! Muitos beijinhos.

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Nanny Woes

Yesterday marked the beginning and the end of our Nanny’s tenure in our house.  I can not believe that we had to ask her not to come back.  I have less than 4 weeks until I go back to work and I don’t have anyone to look after the Beans.  I don’t have that “special” person.  I won’t go into the details of why we asked the Nanny not to come back but she did something that destroyed all the trust and goodwill I had in her.  We thought long and hard about our decision but I knew I could never trust her to look after the Beans again.

I told T that in my business life I might have given her a second chance but there are no second chances when it comes to the Beans.  T told me last night that in all his 40 years (Happy Birthday!), this was the hardest decision he’d ever had to make.  When you become almost attached to someone, look forward to them teaching the Beans, nurturing them, caring for them and being their primary caregiver during the week, to have all of that destroyed is heartbreaking.

Now I’m just second guessing myself.  Not second guessing the decision I made to not have the Nanny back, but second guessing my interview skills.  Did I not ask the right questions, did I not hear the right answers? 

I don’t know where to go from here.  But when I look at these two, Sofie playing peek-a-boo and Sebastian rockin’ it out with his bad self, I know there are no second bests.

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Gold at last

I’m not much of a sports fan but when it comes to the Olympics I am a hardcore viewer of everything sport.  I don’t love curling or figure skating but I’ll watch them, I’ll watch any sporting event if it’s the Olympics.  Last night while drinking the 3rd bottle of champagne of the weekend, T and I watched while Alexandre Bilodeau won Gold.  This guy will go down in the history books for finally breaking the hometown curse Canada has had.  Congratulations to him and his family – I was crying while watching his and his family’s reaction.  It was so touching.

I’m also kind of bad at heckling a “non-Canadian” when they fall, make an error or just don’t do well.  I don’t want anyone to get hurt but I’m certainly glad when a Canadian does a better job in their event.

One thing to note in the Freestyle event, Canadians were actually 1st, 2nd, 4th and 5th.  The robot Dale Begg-Smith is actually Canadian.  It’s sad that we as a country don’t do enough to promote amateur sport.  Yes, this Olympics we have done much more than ever before, we are paying for results, we are paying our athletes, we are supporting them in so many ways, but some of our hometown athletes are going where the money is, maybe we should take note!

Go Canada Go.  I can’t wait until February 27th so I can cheer on hometown snowboarder Matthew Morison!  Go Matty Go!

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Valentine’s Day

Valentine’s Day has never been a big deal to me.  It’s just another one of those “Hallmark” holidays.  Flowers are twice as much, cards are twice as expensive, reservations are impossible to get and the food is overpriced. 

A few years ago T and I decided that we would far rather stay at home, cook up some yummy food (we are both pretty damn good cooks if I do say so myself) and drink bubbly.

On the menu this year, oh just thinking about it is making me drool.

Cheese fondue

Tuna tartare based on my favourite tuna tartare at Jump.

Tuna Tartare

Chocolate Souffle

Individual Chocolate Soufflé Cakes

And of course the bubbly.  My favourite might not be happening this year but a girl can dream!

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