- 5:30 am – BEEP, BEEP, BEEP, I wish that bloody truck would just find its damn parking spot. Oh wait, it’s my alarm, ugh.
- 6:20 in my car flipping the radio stations incessantly, why does morning radio have to be so awful? And why have I not put cd’s in the car yet, I’m torturing myself
- 6:47 why do strange people always have to sit beside me on the train, do I have a beacon above my head, calling all the weirdos to my attention
- 7:40 at the office, trying to enjoy my coffee but it’s not working, someone has the tv volume so loud I can’t hear myself think, it’s only some idiot yammering on about the financial crisis in Europe, I don’t care about that before 8 am, I’m sorry
- 3:50 – the race is on. I’m speedwalking the streets of Toronto, dodging people who don’t follow the rules of the sidewalk and I seriously just want to lower my centre of gravity and take them all out like I’m the bowling ball, they’re the pins and I just bowled a strike! I say FOFF to all of these people. All of this so I don’t miss my train, all of this so that I can get home in time for the Beans
- 5:00 – now I’m racing to get to my car, I spend $70 a month for a reserved spot but as with everything else in our ridiculous society, people can now park closer than me and not pay a dime.
- 5:10 – after having to teach other drivers the concept of taking turns I am now finally out of the parking lot and on my way home.
- 5:17 – I’m home. I’m getting the 10 minute recap from the Nanny, hugging the Beans, dodging their snotty noses and messy fingers so that I don’t have to wash my “nice” clothes, I need to get into my yoga pants pronto
- 5:30 – Bottles for babies and then we play for exactly 15 minutes
- 6:00 – Dinner for babies – they are still eating better than I am, appetizer, dinner and dessert.
- 6:30 – Bath time! This is my favourite time ~ all kinds of silliness happens in the bath, water is thrown everywhere, splashing around, kisses and raspberries.
- 7:00 – BEDTIME, for them, not for me but some days I wish someone told me to go to bed at 7
- 7:05 – Ok, what am I going to make for dinner? And who destroyed my kitchen? There are pieces of meatball, strawberries and Cheerios everywhere!
- 7:10 – I’d really like a glass of wine right now but T and I decided we’re not going to drink through the week, shit, can’t it be Friday?
- 8:00 – T is home now, we’re going to eat the dinner I threw together and watch some brain rotting television.
- 9:00 – Dishes
- 10:00 – I really need to get to bed, 5:30 comes early.
That is a good summary of what a typical day looks like for me now that I’m back to work. I’m not complaining BUT there really isn’t enough time in the day.
T and I had our date night on Saturday. The Beans cooperated for the sitter and didn’t stay awake or wake up shrieking and scare her away. A big topic of conversation at dinner, besides being pleasantly surprised at finding a really good restaurant where we live (delicious food, great service, nice ambience and a great view), was about US.
US has to be capitalized, because US has been suffering lately. Since the Beans were born T and I have gone on 2 date nights and went out to a friend’s birthday party once. So in almost 14 months, T and I have enjoyed a nice night out only 3 times. We each have gone out with friends but actually organizing a night out together hasn’t happened I don’t know why. Yes, there are logistical issues now that we have kids, it’s not just saying on Friday night that we’re going to go out on Saturday and our biggest decision was where we were going to eat. Now we have to organize things sometimes weeks in advance, secure childcare etc. It’s no longer carefree so our “US” time is no longer carefree.
Everything takes more effort now, but why have I not been putting the effort into US. I can only speak for myself because I don’t want to put words in T’s mouth but I know I haven’t put in the effort that I should have, I haven’t put in the effort that I did years ago. I can now see how families get into a rut, they become complacent, years go by, the children leave and then they look at each other and wonder who the other person is. They haven’t invested the time in their spouse, they KNEW each other but they don’t KNOW each other now.
I’ve decided and I’m sure T agrees, I don’t want to just live with someone, I don’t want to be a roommate with T. I want the passion, excitement, laughter and joy to return to our house. I have to get to work on that now, before it’s too late.
The past few days have not been fun in our house. We have had two sick kids here. Two kids that can’t breathe because their noses are stuffed up. And because they don’t know how to blow their noses we are left to torture them with our many implements of the nasal clearing variety. Two sick kids that can’t breathe = two kids that can’t sleep = two parents that can’t sleep = grouchy mama.
To top all of this off, Sebastian is getting all 4 molars at the same time – really, is this necessary? Could we not have waited and did one thing at a time?
There are still many moments of cute though. Sebastian running full speed into my arms with his squeals of laughter and Sofie insisting on climbing onto the couch and sitting there like a big girl with a huge smile on her face. They are growing fast and accomplishing so many things now. They love being outside, playing at the park, going for walks and running – oh my they love to run now. My nanny has said she’s going to need leashes for them when they get to be a little older. (I was on a leash when I was a kid, is this considered child abuse now?)
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the support that us mothers give each other. I’m tempted to call it “Mothers Anonymous” because sometimes we have to talk to someone about something we don’t feel we can air in public. The issues of resentment, frustration, reaching the edge of patience or just plain exhaustion. We need someone to talk to that does not judge us as mothers or people. We need a little safe haven where we can stand up and say “My name is Denise, and I am a mother” and have everyone understand the good and bad that comes with that.
I’ve had conversations with friends where we have confided in each other in whispers. We’re afraid of someone’s reaction to our true feelings. Someone said that her baby was in such a rotten mood one day while in the car that my friend said oh god, I wanted to throw her out the window. No she wouldn’t have thrown her daughter out the window it’s just the exhaustion and frustration speaking, you’ve reached your wit’s end and just need a moment of peace. In my experience I have found if I mentioned something that was even slightly negative about being a mother, or about the frustration I have felt with my twins some people have looked at me like I’m a horrible mother like everything should be coming up roses just because I am a mother. That I should just be thankful for what I have no questions asked. Yes I’m thankful, yes I love the Beans and wouldn’t ever want to not have the Beans in my life but that doesn’t mean that I have to love everything about motherhood.
The issue is what if someone doesn’t have their M.A. person or group they can talk to. What if a mother doesn’t have that person that will not judge them but listen to them and offer advice. That’s a mother I worry about, she’s in a lonely place and is left to hide her true feelings perhaps, left to have these thoughts roaming in her brain and just maybe manifesting themselves into something bigger.
We all need a support group. A group that supports and doesn’t judge. So if anyone is out there that doesn’t have that support group, I’m listening, you are NOT alone.
Yesterday was almost the beginning of a catastrophe. My nanny texted me to see if she had done something wrong so I gave her a call to see what was the matter. Nanny answers our phone and just takes messages for us and yesterday morning she took a call that got her wondering and worrying and almost made me hate the world.
The phone call was from another nanny asking about the nanny job and when she could come to talk to us. Now, this got our Nanny thinking that she’d done something wrong and that we were looking for a replacement. Thankfully our Nanny is a communicator and likes to talk about things. I assured her that we were NOT looking for a replacement, SHE WAS OUR NANNY and she’s NOT GOING ANYWHERE.
Now imagine if she didn’t bring this up, what if she was one of those types of people who keeps things inside, doesn’t like conflict or confrontation. She would have assumed that we didn’t like her for whatever reason and wanted to find a replacement, she would have probably started looking for a new job herself and then she would have quit to take another job – what the hell would I have done then? The Beans would lose the Nanny that they have come to know and really like, T and I would lose the person we trust to take care of the Beans, I’d be back at square one for the third time.
But no, our Nanny asked a simple question that averted the whole catastrophe! Thankfully, otherwise I probably would have curled up in a corner crying and cursing the world!
Filed under Mayhem, Nanny
T and I are going on a date in a couple of weeks. We are so past due for a date night it isn’t funny. We (more like I) have been stuck in the rut of day-to-day life for a while now and we need to get out just by ourselves. We need to reconnect and enjoy each other’s company again. My task now is to find somewhere to go for dinner. T and I love food, all food, everything about food. Our problem though is that where we live it’s all the same type of restaurant. When new restaurants open in our area they are typically Italian and typically mediocre. Because it will be the first time this babysitter is looking after the Beans I don’t want to go too far in case we need to come home.
I need to find somewhere to go for dinner. If we had our choice we would probably head into the city and use a gift certificate we have for Chiado (oh yummy fish). Or we’d go to one of our favourite restaurants in the city Le Paradis or a million other places we love. But where we live we haven’t been able to find a place that we love. There are the usual standby’s of The Keg and other chain restaurants but I’d like something more, something better. I want to savour every bite that I eat while having a great night with my hubby.
I’m hoping Google will help me find something.
Filed under Family, Food, T
This has been a big topic in our house in the last few months. The topic of finding “me” again. I never would have believed that having two kids could make me feel so out of sorts. Stupidly, I thought I would have the babies, stay home for a year and go back to work and everything would be fine. I’d have my work life and my home life and I’d be as happy as a pig in shit. Well let me tell you, I’m an idiot because that isn’t what’s happening in my life.
There’s this nagging little voice in my head telling me that this can’t be it. I can’t just be a mom and a wife with a job. I need something more. The problem though is that I don’t know what that “something” is. I started this blog in hopes of getting a ton of shit out of my head, the problem though is that I still haven’t written about the tough stuff. I haven’t talked about being unhappy, unsexy, unfulfilled and just riddled with angst about who the hell I am. I’m 34 years old, I would have thought I would know who I am by now and what I need to feel happy, but I don’t and it’s so frustrating you can’t believe. My frustration with myself leaks into the rest of my life.
I’m starting another project in June which I think might help, it involves using a creative side of myself that typically I ignore as I’m just not crafty and I think this might help. BUT, what if it doesn’t? What do I do then? How do you do it? How do you make sure you are fulfilled as a person and not just defined by the titles people give you (wife, mother, sister, daughter).
I don’t want this to sound all whiny, I’m not ungrateful for what I have. I have an awesome husband who is so supportive I’m not sure where he finds the patience for me sometimes. I’m lucky to have two amazing little kids that amaze me everyday. But I need more and need help finding that “more”. Can you help?