We recently went to a BBQ organized by Durham Parents of Multiples and I was amazed by how having just a few families there the numbers quickly add up when we are all parents of multiples.
There was a couple there with their 3 month old twins (oh they were so cute and little). I asked them how they were doing and they said good but then kind of looked at each other with a look that I knew all to well.
I told them of our house rule – Anything said after midnight doesn’t count. I think that rule helped avoid many big fights in our house before they started. Things said when exhausted and frustrated tend not to be nice.
T and I had our date night on Saturday. The Beans cooperated for the sitter and didn’t stay awake or wake up shrieking and scare her away. A big topic of conversation at dinner, besides being pleasantly surprised at finding a really good restaurant where we live (delicious food, great service, nice ambience and a great view), was about US.
US has to be capitalized, because US has been suffering lately. Since the Beans were born T and I have gone on 2 date nights and went out to a friend’s birthday party once. So in almost 14 months, T and I have enjoyed a nice night out only 3 times. We each have gone out with friends but actually organizing a night out together hasn’t happened I don’t know why. Yes, there are logistical issues now that we have kids, it’s not just saying on Friday night that we’re going to go out on Saturday and our biggest decision was where we were going to eat. Now we have to organize things sometimes weeks in advance, secure childcare etc. It’s no longer carefree so our “US” time is no longer carefree.
Everything takes more effort now, but why have I not been putting the effort into US. I can only speak for myself because I don’t want to put words in T’s mouth but I know I haven’t put in the effort that I should have, I haven’t put in the effort that I did years ago. I can now see how families get into a rut, they become complacent, years go by, the children leave and then they look at each other and wonder who the other person is. They haven’t invested the time in their spouse, they KNEW each other but they don’t KNOW each other now.
I’ve decided and I’m sure T agrees, I don’t want to just live with someone, I don’t want to be a roommate with T. I want the passion, excitement, laughter and joy to return to our house. I have to get to work on that now, before it’s too late.
This has been a big topic in our house in the last few months. The topic of finding “me” again. I never would have believed that having two kids could make me feel so out of sorts. Stupidly, I thought I would have the babies, stay home for a year and go back to work and everything would be fine. I’d have my work life and my home life and I’d be as happy as a pig in shit. Well let me tell you, I’m an idiot because that isn’t what’s happening in my life.
There’s this nagging little voice in my head telling me that this can’t be it. I can’t just be a mom and a wife with a job. I need something more. The problem though is that I don’t know what that “something” is. I started this blog in hopes of getting a ton of shit out of my head, the problem though is that I still haven’t written about the tough stuff. I haven’t talked about being unhappy, unsexy, unfulfilled and just riddled with angst about who the hell I am. I’m 34 years old, I would have thought I would know who I am by now and what I need to feel happy, but I don’t and it’s so frustrating you can’t believe. My frustration with myself leaks into the rest of my life.
I’m starting another project in June which I think might help, it involves using a creative side of myself that typically I ignore as I’m just not crafty and I think this might help. BUT, what if it doesn’t? What do I do then? How do you do it? How do you make sure you are fulfilled as a person and not just defined by the titles people give you (wife, mother, sister, daughter).
I don’t want this to sound all whiny, I’m not ungrateful for what I have. I have an awesome husband who is so supportive I’m not sure where he finds the patience for me sometimes. I’m lucky to have two amazing little kids that amaze me everyday. But I need more and need help finding that “more”. Can you help?
I met a really nice mom of twins last night when she came to my house to buy some things that the twins had outgrown. She had given birth to boy/girl twins last week. I was giving her any advice I could to help her survive the first 3 months with 2 babies at home. In my advice giving I starting remembering…
I remembered falling asleep tandem breastfeeding in the middle of the night, waking up with my arms numb and not remembering even putting the Beans on the pillow to feed. I remembered on those difficult days when the Beans couldn’t be consoled that I had to go outside for 5 minutes, sit on my deck and regroup. I remembered not accepting the help that was offered to me. I remembered not going out enough with T when the Beans were so portable and easy. I remembered the fights that T and I had, especially the first few months, oh those fights were bad, the worst of my marriage ~ but more about that another day.
I remembered the resentment I felt toward my husband – he got to leave everyday, go out for drinks/dinner with friends, have a “normal” life. The resentment was almost the breaking point of my marriage.
My biggest piece of advice is that you’re not alone, I think many mothers think that whatever they are going through they are alone in it. No one truly understands what you are going through, no one thinks of you anymore, you’re just a wife and a mother – no longer you. We are never alone in anything we do, we just have to let others in, accept the help being offered, ask for help when we need it, cry when we need to, scream when we have to and breathe.
I wish someone had told me that 10 months ago.
It’s over, the chaos, the dinners, drinks, eating, gorging – repeat! I am so glad to be back to the “normal” schedule. It was a great Christmas and New Year but man am I glad it’s over. From December 18 until January 1 we had 8 family dinners – oh man I need new pants.
But now that it’s January I’ve suddenly realized I’m going back to work in 2 months and have no one to look after the Beans – shit, where has the time gone. I have meetings with agencies today to start the ball rolling hopefully get the ball speeding along!
How do you know when you find the “right” person to look after your kids? Is it the same as finding the “right” person to marry – you just know? I need help ~ anyone???