Category Archives: T

Drunken Sailors & Birthday Boys

The Beans are both walking now and it’s the cutest thing.  They wobble, teeter, totter and generally look like they are walking around after a good night of clubbing.  They are so proud of themselves, you can just see the glint in their eyes, the glint that says “oh boy, a whole new world of stuff to get into has opened up, what mischief can I cause now?”

It’s also funny to see them get excited about getting somewhere and trying to get there fast, their bodies speed up but their poor little legs can’t keep up and they quickly fall face first into something.  There have been a few more tears in the past week with all the new “injuries” but they are quickly getting the hang of it.

On another note it was T’s 40th Birthday on Wednesday.  I’ve been with T for over 10 years, and he hasn’t changed a bit in those 10 years.   Yes a few more grey hairs, now we’re married and have two kids but who he is hasn’t changed.  He’s still an amazing person, a hard worker (maybe sometimes too hard), caring, loving and now he’s a father.  He’s such an amazing Dad to the kids, they “run” to him as soon as they seem him, give him hugs and kisses and climb all over him.  It’s such an amazing thing to see and to experience.  The love of your life with the loves of your life. 

Happy Birthday T from the Beans and Me! Muitos beijinhos.

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Nanny Woes

Yesterday marked the beginning and the end of our Nanny’s tenure in our house.  I can not believe that we had to ask her not to come back.  I have less than 4 weeks until I go back to work and I don’t have anyone to look after the Beans.  I don’t have that “special” person.  I won’t go into the details of why we asked the Nanny not to come back but she did something that destroyed all the trust and goodwill I had in her.  We thought long and hard about our decision but I knew I could never trust her to look after the Beans again.

I told T that in my business life I might have given her a second chance but there are no second chances when it comes to the Beans.  T told me last night that in all his 40 years (Happy Birthday!), this was the hardest decision he’d ever had to make.  When you become almost attached to someone, look forward to them teaching the Beans, nurturing them, caring for them and being their primary caregiver during the week, to have all of that destroyed is heartbreaking.

Now I’m just second guessing myself.  Not second guessing the decision I made to not have the Nanny back, but second guessing my interview skills.  Did I not ask the right questions, did I not hear the right answers? 

I don’t know where to go from here.  But when I look at these two, Sofie playing peek-a-boo and Sebastian rockin’ it out with his bad self, I know there are no second bests.

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Valentine’s Day

Valentine’s Day has never been a big deal to me.  It’s just another one of those “Hallmark” holidays.  Flowers are twice as much, cards are twice as expensive, reservations are impossible to get and the food is overpriced. 

A few years ago T and I decided that we would far rather stay at home, cook up some yummy food (we are both pretty damn good cooks if I do say so myself) and drink bubbly.

On the menu this year, oh just thinking about it is making me drool.

Cheese fondue

Tuna tartare based on my favourite tuna tartare at Jump.

Tuna Tartare

Chocolate Souffle

Individual Chocolate Soufflé Cakes

And of course the bubbly.  My favourite might not be happening this year but a girl can dream!

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What does love mean?

T and I were talking last night about the meaning of love (I know a very deep conversation, especially at 11pm when all I wanted to do was try to sleep).  He wondered what it meant, does it mean the same thing now as it did when we first said it.  Are we saying it because we have to or should say it or are we meaning it, really truly meaning it when we say it.

I know I love T differently than I did when I first said it so many moons ago.  I know I say I love you in the morning when he leaves for work, love you when we go to bed at night, love you when we end phone conversations.  Yes, some of those “I love you” are routine, things we say.  I also know that I love T more now since the Beans were born but I also miss the love we had before the Beans were here.

Like everything in life our marriage has the ups and downs, the highs and lows, the lulls.  Right now we are in a lower lull, the exhaustion and life have taken their toll on us, especially me.  I’m just hoping the lull doesn’t last much longer.  I want some highs back.

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Remembering when

I met a really nice mom of twins last night when she came to my house to buy some things that the twins had outgrown.  She had given birth to boy/girl twins last week.  I was giving her any advice I could to help her survive the first 3 months with 2 babies at home.  In my advice giving I starting remembering…

I remembered falling asleep tandem breastfeeding in the middle of the night, waking up with my arms numb and not remembering even putting the Beans on the pillow to feed.  I remembered on those difficult days when the Beans couldn’t be consoled that I had to go outside for 5 minutes, sit on my deck and regroup.  I remembered not accepting the help that was offered to me.  I remembered not going out enough with T when the Beans were so portable and easy.  I remembered the fights that T and I had, especially the first few months, oh those fights were bad, the worst of my marriage ~ but more about that another day.

I remembered the resentment I felt toward my husband – he got to leave everyday, go out for drinks/dinner with friends, have a “normal” life.  The resentment was almost the breaking point of my marriage.

My biggest piece of advice is that you’re not alone, I think many mothers think that whatever they are going through they are alone in it.  No one truly understands what you are going through, no one thinks of you anymore, you’re just a wife and a mother – no longer you.  We are never alone in anything we do, we just have to let others in, accept the help being offered, ask for help when we need it, cry when we need to, scream when we have to and breathe. 

I wish someone had told me that 10 months ago.

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Enjoy the silence

It’s over, the chaos, the dinners, drinks, eating, gorging – repeat!  I am so glad to be back to the “normal” schedule.  It was a great Christmas and New Year but man am I glad it’s over.  From December 18 until January 1 we had 8 family dinners – oh man I need new pants.

But now that it’s January I’ve suddenly realized I’m going back to work in 2 months and have no one to look after the Beans – shit, where has the time gone.  I have meetings with agencies today to start the ball rolling hopefully get the ball speeding along!

How do you know when you find the “right” person to look after your kids?  Is it the same as finding the “right” person to marry – you just know?  I need help ~ anyone???

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Lucky

Today marks 10 years – 10 years that I have been with T.  We’ve been married for 5 of those years and I know I haven’t told him enough how much I love, cherish & adore him.  I haven’t told him how lucky I am to have him.

The last 8 months have been difficult, especially for me and I’m not just referring to raising twins mostly by myself.  The last 8 months have been hard for me to find a rhythm, to find the happy place, to find the new me that I’m happy with.  Because of that T has had to deal with me, I’ve been distant, emotional, bitchy, unhappy and of course exhausted.

I’m lucky because he still loves me in spite of all that ~ he still finds me sexy with my jelly belly, stretch marks, unkept hair & yoga pant wardrobe (don’t get me wrong he’d really like it if I got dressed up and did my hair once in while).

I’m lucky because he tried to help me find the new rhythm, to help me find the new me, to be happy with myself and is always giving words of praise & encouragement.

I’m getting there ~ I still have my moments, I sometimes want to get in the car, blare music, drive fast and not have a care in the world and never come back (well maybe for a day or two).

I know I sometimes resent that he gets to continue to have his “normal” life – work, drinks/dinner with friends etc. but I also know that my resentment isn’t fair.  I’m my own worst enemy, I know all I have to do is organize my “me” time and T will take care of whatever needs to be taken care of – another reason I’m lucky.

So on a day that marks 10 years together T, I want to say thank you and I love you.  I don’t tell you enough and I certainly don’t show you enough, without you I wouldn’t be who I am, I wouldn’t be a mom to two healthy gorgeous Pinto Beans – we make a great team.

Here’s to another 10 years!

10 Years Ago Today

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