It has been 11 weeks since I have been here. Eleven weeks since I have complained, bitched, relished, laughed, joked or told anyone what the heck is going on in Pinto Bean land. In 11 weeks we have said so much, done so much and grown so much I don’t even know where to start and maybe that’s why I’ve continued to ignore this place. I’ve almost given up coming here. I’ve almost deleted the whole thing several times, logged in only to log back out immediately.
I don’t know how to start again, I don’t know how to revisit one of my favourite places and do the one thing that was bringing me such catharsis. Is it just that, like a twelve step program? The first step in a new direction is acknowledgement that you need to start down a new path?
Maybe it is that easy, I guess this is the first step down my new path. For now, I’m happy that I made it this far and I hope to see you again soon my old friend.
It’s been far too long since I’ve been here. Far too long that I’ve neglected what has been a saviour to me. I began coming here to help me find me and I’m well on my way in that search and rescue mission but feel that there is still a missing person out there. I’ve laughed, I’ve cried, I’ve ranted and raved. I’ve bitched and moaned and hailed and applauded. So why have I been ignoring you? Why have I not found that few minutes a day? Why have I not let my finger tips tickle the ivories so to speak?
Life. That is why I haven’t been accumulating my frequent flyer miles lately. Life, it’s the other four letter word. Life happens but then nothing happens. I let LIFE happen, but because of LIFE happening, nothing happens. The life of getting up with the alarm and going through the motions of the day only to end the day no further ahead than when I started the day. Nothing really accomplished, nothing really gained, nothing really cherished, nothing of consequence lost, just nothing.
I spend so much of my time making sure that certain things get done in the way they should, when they should and how they should that I’ve ignored the other side of life. The side filled with spontaneous fun, laughter, joy, passion and even spontaneous anger.
I was telling T last night that we just don’t have enough time anymore. Time for the fun that used to be us, but us is now different. We aren’t just spouses anymore, we’re parents. Why do so many people (or is it just me) let the old ways die when the new life of parenting has entered our homes? Sadly, our hunt for more time isn’t going to resolve itself anytime soon. It might actually start to get worse as the Beans get older and start school, homework, sports, friends etc. So how do I make sure I find that time?
What do I give up to get more time? What do I change to get more time? How can I stop that clock from racing around day in and day out without finding that precious time I and WE need so badly?
Time – I need it.
The past few nights have been rough. We have a Bean that is not sleeping well, ergo we’re not sleeping well. I find it amazing how I/We have become so used to the Beans sleeping through the night, so much so that when one or both of them don’t sleep through the night it feels like we’ve (especially me) rewound our lives 15 months and have newborns in the house again.
I need my sleep. If I don’t get my sleep I become grouchy. Grouchy might be too nice of a word for it really. I’m a bitch with a capital B! I’ve been like this forever and at 34 years old I doubt I’m going to change anytime soon.
I just need to find a solution to our Bean’s sleep troubles. Any suggestions?
Do you ever get the feeling that you have so much in your head that you’re not allowed to share that you feel like your head just might explode. I do, RIGHT NOW. I have so much stuff trapped in the brain that I can’t get out I’m finding it distracting. In my line of work my motto has always been “I know nothing about nothing”.
That’s how I’m supposed to do my job – well a big chunk of it anyways – but now I have too much stuff in there that I don’t really know but I do and can’t share but I have need to.
I have good stuff, bad stuff, boring stuff, exciting stuff and stuff that really no one would care about if they knew what I know, BUT I’m not supposed to even know this stuff. Christ, even I’m confused.
I did have a good thing happen today, I wore a pair of shoes I scored while on my shopping weekend that are sexy and comfortable all wrapped up in one. This rarely happens with fashion. Fashion doesn’t beget function. But this time, oh my I’m so excited. I love my new shoes. But I don’t love them as much as these two blue-eyed sweeties.
T and I had our date night on Saturday. The Beans cooperated for the sitter and didn’t stay awake or wake up shrieking and scare her away. A big topic of conversation at dinner, besides being pleasantly surprised at finding a really good restaurant where we live (delicious food, great service, nice ambience and a great view), was about US.
US has to be capitalized, because US has been suffering lately. Since the Beans were born T and I have gone on 2 date nights and went out to a friend’s birthday party once. So in almost 14 months, T and I have enjoyed a nice night out only 3 times. We each have gone out with friends but actually organizing a night out together hasn’t happened I don’t know why. Yes, there are logistical issues now that we have kids, it’s not just saying on Friday night that we’re going to go out on Saturday and our biggest decision was where we were going to eat. Now we have to organize things sometimes weeks in advance, secure childcare etc. It’s no longer carefree so our “US” time is no longer carefree.
Everything takes more effort now, but why have I not been putting the effort into US. I can only speak for myself because I don’t want to put words in T’s mouth but I know I haven’t put in the effort that I should have, I haven’t put in the effort that I did years ago. I can now see how families get into a rut, they become complacent, years go by, the children leave and then they look at each other and wonder who the other person is. They haven’t invested the time in their spouse, they KNEW each other but they don’t KNOW each other now.
I’ve decided and I’m sure T agrees, I don’t want to just live with someone, I don’t want to be a roommate with T. I want the passion, excitement, laughter and joy to return to our house. I have to get to work on that now, before it’s too late.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the support that us mothers give each other. I’m tempted to call it “Mothers Anonymous” because sometimes we have to talk to someone about something we don’t feel we can air in public. The issues of resentment, frustration, reaching the edge of patience or just plain exhaustion. We need someone to talk to that does not judge us as mothers or people. We need a little safe haven where we can stand up and say “My name is Denise, and I am a mother” and have everyone understand the good and bad that comes with that.
I’ve had conversations with friends where we have confided in each other in whispers. We’re afraid of someone’s reaction to our true feelings. Someone said that her baby was in such a rotten mood one day while in the car that my friend said oh god, I wanted to throw her out the window. No she wouldn’t have thrown her daughter out the window it’s just the exhaustion and frustration speaking, you’ve reached your wit’s end and just need a moment of peace. In my experience I have found if I mentioned something that was even slightly negative about being a mother, or about the frustration I have felt with my twins some people have looked at me like I’m a horrible mother like everything should be coming up roses just because I am a mother. That I should just be thankful for what I have no questions asked. Yes I’m thankful, yes I love the Beans and wouldn’t ever want to not have the Beans in my life but that doesn’t mean that I have to love everything about motherhood.
The issue is what if someone doesn’t have their M.A. person or group they can talk to. What if a mother doesn’t have that person that will not judge them but listen to them and offer advice. That’s a mother I worry about, she’s in a lonely place and is left to hide her true feelings perhaps, left to have these thoughts roaming in her brain and just maybe manifesting themselves into something bigger.
We all need a support group. A group that supports and doesn’t judge. So if anyone is out there that doesn’t have that support group, I’m listening, you are NOT alone.
This has been a big topic in our house in the last few months. The topic of finding “me” again. I never would have believed that having two kids could make me feel so out of sorts. Stupidly, I thought I would have the babies, stay home for a year and go back to work and everything would be fine. I’d have my work life and my home life and I’d be as happy as a pig in shit. Well let me tell you, I’m an idiot because that isn’t what’s happening in my life.
There’s this nagging little voice in my head telling me that this can’t be it. I can’t just be a mom and a wife with a job. I need something more. The problem though is that I don’t know what that “something” is. I started this blog in hopes of getting a ton of shit out of my head, the problem though is that I still haven’t written about the tough stuff. I haven’t talked about being unhappy, unsexy, unfulfilled and just riddled with angst about who the hell I am. I’m 34 years old, I would have thought I would know who I am by now and what I need to feel happy, but I don’t and it’s so frustrating you can’t believe. My frustration with myself leaks into the rest of my life.
I’m starting another project in June which I think might help, it involves using a creative side of myself that typically I ignore as I’m just not crafty and I think this might help. BUT, what if it doesn’t? What do I do then? How do you do it? How do you make sure you are fulfilled as a person and not just defined by the titles people give you (wife, mother, sister, daughter).
I don’t want this to sound all whiny, I’m not ungrateful for what I have. I have an awesome husband who is so supportive I’m not sure where he finds the patience for me sometimes. I’m lucky to have two amazing little kids that amaze me everyday. But I need more and need help finding that “more”. Can you help?