Category Archives: who am I

My Sanctuary

Everyone has that special place where they can go and just be.  You can arrive at your sanctuary knowing that whatever the day(s) bring you’ll be able to handle it because you are in your safe place.  You are somewhere where everyone knows you, the real YOU. You can laugh, cry, scream or just sit in silence. You wake up in the morning and go to sleep at night with the same sense of calm.  The calmness tickles your skin, seeps into your pores and puts a feeling of euphoria over your entire being.

This nirvana like atmosphere is with you and inside you from the moment you arrive until the moment you depart.  This place is like a drug, it’s addictive, habit-forming and makes you feel so alive. You don’t understand why some people choose to never experience this, or why some people choose to leave early.

There are moments when you feel like “this is it”, this is all I need. A moment here can wash away headaches, worries, anxieties and unease.

This is a place I love , a place where being a kid is so much fun and I’m so lucky that I can share it with my Beans, the 3rd generation of sanctuary lovers.

 

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Time

It’s been far too long since I’ve been here. Far too long that I’ve neglected what has been a saviour to me. I began coming here to help me find me and I’m well on my way in that search and rescue mission but feel that there is still a missing person out there. I’ve laughed, I’ve cried, I’ve ranted and raved.  I’ve bitched and moaned and hailed and applauded.  So why have I been ignoring you?  Why have I not found that few minutes a day?  Why have I not let my finger tips tickle the ivories so to speak?

Life. That is why I haven’t been accumulating my frequent flyer miles lately. Life, it’s the other four letter word. Life happens but then nothing happens.  I let LIFE happen, but because of LIFE happening, nothing happens. The life of getting up with the alarm and going through the motions of the day only to end the day no further ahead than when I started the day. Nothing really accomplished, nothing really gained, nothing really cherished, nothing of consequence lost, just nothing.

I spend so much of my time making sure that certain things get done in the way they should, when they should and how they should that I’ve ignored the other side of life.  The side filled with spontaneous fun, laughter, joy, passion and even spontaneous anger.

I was telling T last night that we just don’t have enough time anymore.  Time for the fun that used to be us, but us is now different.  We aren’t just spouses anymore, we’re parents.  Why do so many people (or is it just me) let the old ways die when the new life of parenting has entered our homes?  Sadly, our hunt for more time isn’t going to resolve itself anytime soon.  It might actually start to get worse as the Beans get older and start school, homework, sports, friends etc.  So how do I make sure I find that time? 

What do I give up to get more time? What do I change to get more time?  How can I stop that clock from racing around day in and day out without finding that precious time I and WE need so badly?

Time – I need it.

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It pays to complain.

I’ve been told that I can be mean and bitchy.  I say I’m just not willing to be taken advantage of, used and abused.  I’m also not willing to pay for something that doesn’t last.  The amount of money that T and I have spent on gear, furniture, car seats and everything else under the sun for the Beans is astronomical.  And with that astronomical amount of money spent the “stuff” we bought better damn well last.

Well not all of it did and I complained.  Complained HARD.  Wrote letters, wrote emails, made phone calls and basically made myself a pain in the ass.

I complained to the manufacturer of our cribs because of the poor workmanship (stain wearing off, incomplete staining and chipping) – that company sent me a cheque that amounted to one free crib.

I complained to the manufacturer of our booster seats because of the cushion falling apart – they sent me two new booster seats.

I’ve complained to watch manufacturers, clothing manufacturers, toy manufacturers, really the list is endless.  You know what happened?  I was given either money or a replacement product FREE OF CHARGE.  Most people I talk to say they don’t have to the time to complain, I say I don’t have the time to throw money away.

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Exciting Stuff

For the past few months I have found a great release here.  I have never been much of a creative person ~ my creative ability resides in the kitchen.  The usual “creative” things that people do (painting, crafting, writing etc.) has never been my forte.  Until now that is.

I have enjoyed writing down my thoughts, ideas, rants and raves here.  I’m able to share the crazy, fun, happy, sad and everything in between here.  I’ve actually enjoyed it so much that I became the Newsletter Editor for the Durham Parents of Multiples.

I might actually be crazy for volunteering to do this because one thing I lack is an abundance of free time, BUT I’m jumping with excitement to put my first newsletter together.

I’ve always had a crazy dream of writing a novel one day, yes this blog and the newsletter are no where near a novel but I like to think of them as my collection of short stories.  I can always have them all prettied up and self publish them and say I’ve written a book so that when I’m old and senile I’ll feel as if I’ve accomplished something and just maybe achieved a dream of mine.

For now I’ll focus on my little collection of short stories and see where they take me.

******

On another note, does anyone else’s kids like to climb?  Does anyone else have near fatal heart attacks when their kids do something you wish they didn’t know how to do yet?  Mine do – ALL THE TIME.  I have no idea what the solution is to this problem – anyone have a solution for me cuz I’m all ears!

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Nothing about nothing

Do you ever get the feeling that you have so much in your head that you’re not allowed to share that you feel like your head just might explode.  I do, RIGHT NOW.  I have so much stuff trapped in the brain that I can’t get out I’m finding it distracting.  In my line of work my motto has always been “I know nothing about nothing”.

That’s how I’m supposed to do my job – well a big chunk of it anyways – but now I have too much stuff in there that I don’t really know but I do and can’t share but I have need to.

I have good stuff, bad stuff, boring stuff, exciting stuff and stuff that really no one would care about if they knew what I know, BUT I’m not supposed to even know this stuff.   Christ, even I’m confused.

I did have a good thing happen today, I wore a pair of shoes I scored while on my shopping weekend that are sexy and comfortable all wrapped up in one.  This rarely happens with fashion.  Fashion doesn’t beget function.  But this time, oh my I’m so excited.   I love my new shoes.  But I don’t love them as much as these two blue-eyed sweeties.

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Come Together

T and I had our date night on Saturday.  The Beans cooperated for the sitter and didn’t stay awake or wake up shrieking and scare her away.  A big topic of conversation at dinner, besides being pleasantly surprised at finding a really good restaurant where we live (delicious food, great service, nice ambience and a great view), was about US.

US has to be capitalized, because US has been suffering lately.  Since the Beans were born T and I have gone on 2 date nights and went out to a friend’s birthday party once.  So in almost 14 months, T and I have enjoyed a nice night out only 3 times.  We each have gone out with friends but actually organizing a night out together hasn’t happened I don’t know why.  Yes, there are logistical issues now that we have kids, it’s not just saying on Friday night that we’re going to go out on Saturday and our biggest decision was where we were going to eat.  Now we have to organize things sometimes weeks in advance, secure childcare etc.  It’s no longer carefree so our “US” time is no longer carefree.

Everything takes more effort now, but why have I not been putting the effort into US.  I can only speak for myself because I don’t want to put words in T’s mouth but I know I haven’t put in the effort that I should have, I haven’t put in the effort that I did years ago.  I can now see how families get into a rut, they become complacent, years go by, the children leave and then they look at each other and wonder who the other person is.  They haven’t invested the time in their spouse, they KNEW each other but they don’t KNOW each other now.

I’ve decided and I’m sure T agrees, I don’t want to just live with someone, I don’t want to be a roommate with T.  I want the passion, excitement, laughter and joy to return to our house.  I have to get to work on that now, before it’s too late.

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Filed under Family, Fights, Me, Sex, T, The Abyss, who am I

Finding Me

This has been a big topic in our house in the last few months.  The topic of finding “me” again.  I never would have believed that having two kids could make me feel so out of sorts.  Stupidly, I thought I would have the babies, stay home for a year and go back to work and everything would be fine.  I’d have my work life and my home life and I’d be as happy as a pig in shit.  Well let me tell you, I’m an idiot because that isn’t what’s happening in my life.

There’s this nagging little voice in my head telling me that this can’t be it.  I can’t just be a mom and a wife with a job.  I need something more.  The problem though is that I don’t know what that “something” is.  I started this blog in hopes of getting a ton of shit out of my head, the problem though is that I still haven’t written about the tough stuff.  I haven’t talked about being unhappy, unsexy, unfulfilled and just riddled with angst about who the hell I am.  I’m 34 years old, I would have thought I would know who I am by now and what I need to feel happy, but I don’t and it’s so frustrating you can’t believe.  My frustration with myself leaks into the rest of my life. 

I’m starting another project in June which I think might help, it involves using a creative side of myself that typically I ignore as I’m just not crafty and I think this might help.  BUT, what if it doesn’t?  What do I do then?  How do you do it?  How do you make sure you are fulfilled as a person and not just defined by the titles people give you (wife, mother, sister, daughter).

I don’t want this to sound all whiny, I’m not ungrateful for what I have.  I have an awesome husband who is so supportive I’m not sure where he finds the patience for me sometimes.  I’m lucky to have two amazing little kids that amaze me everyday.  But I need more and need help finding that “more”.  Can you help?

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Filed under Family, Fights, Mayhem, Me, The Abyss, who am I